DOKTOR DANIEL VON KALDER: Timeline
1892- Born; goes into immediate occultation.
1936- Charlie Chaplin releases Modern Times.
1978- Bitten by cat; develops fear of dogs.
1985- Attempts to read L. Ron Hubbard's Battlefield Earth; gives up
after 100 pages.
1994- Bristol, England: confronted by a lump of room temperature fat
and gristle disguised as a chicken burger Kalder hesitates-
then eats it anyway.
2001- Moscow, Russia: attends 'world famous' Yuri Kuklachev Cat
Theatre. During the show a cat is placed in a bucket and then
swung round and round very fast indeed. Otherwise, the
performance is disappointing.
2005- Left eyeball pulsates unceasingly for two months straight.
2006- London, England: acquires title 'Dr'.
2006- Pflugerville, Texas: booed by child for insufficient love of liberty.
2008- Applies title 'von' to self.
2008-2010- Wastes precious years of this too-short life developing
several doomed documentary films with multiple TV
2011- Acquires machete from extinct Filipino tribe with decorative
monkey skull strapped to the blade.
2014- Eats donut near Yale University campus.